


It's Never Too Late

by psychi



Series: One Life to Live (with Mutants) [1]
Category: X-Men (Movies)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Family, Humor, Kink Meme, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-13
Updated: 2011-08-13
Packaged: 2017-10-22 14:12:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/238894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psychi/pseuds/psychi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>1stclass_kink meme prompt:  Raven thinks it's time for Azazel to teach Kurt about the birds and the bees. Azazel would rather be shot.  Takes place between the X-Men 2 and X-Men 3 movies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Never Too Late

“What the hell are you talking about?” Azazel asked at quite a high volume. “Isn't he a little old for it by now?”

“Have you met Kurt?” Mystique asked.

“That's his name?” Azazel replied. “No, have you?”

“Yes. I met him right after Erik broke out of prison and the poor boy's incredibly naive. I don't think those circus people I left him with educated him very well at all.”

“You left him with the circus?”

“Will you focus?”

“Why me?”

“You're his father,” she argued.

“I'm not...I'm a stranger to him,” Azazel protested. “I don't think he's going to appreciate me showing up and giving him a talk about...that.”

“ _That_?” Mystique sneered. “ _Sex_ , Azazel. If you can do it, you can talk about it; and you will be talking about it to your son. I'm worried. There's all kinds of STDs he could catch and I don't even think he knows that he can get pregnant.”

“Why don't you do it? You're more experienced.”

“You're five thousand years old.”

Azazel stared at her blankly.

Mystique rolled her eyes. “Fine, I'm more experienced. But Erik's sending me to impersonate a general for the next few weeks and I really think it should be soon, so you have to do it.”

“Doesn't he live at a school now? With your brother?”

“Charles can't do it. He tried talking to me about sex once and he stammered and blushed and then gave up and projected it all in my mind so fast and with so much force, I think he traumatized me.”

“It is the reason you're such a slut?”

“Azazel, focus!”

“I'd rather be shot,” he declared, tale whipping back and forth in irritation. “No.”

Mystique reached out and caught his tail and used it to yank him back and into her. “If you don't talk to your son about the birds and the bees or the bees and the bees or whatever else he's into, I'll see to it you never have sex again,” Mystique threatened in a low, seductive voice. She reached around and cupped his growing erection. “But if you cooperate, I'll use my vast experience to reward you nicely.”

***

Azazel teleported directly into the foyer of the Xavier Institute and was promptly met with several screaming children. Some of them ran and some tried using their powers on him. Azazel sighed deeply and dodged their young, if heartfelt efforts.

“Quiet,” Xavier shouted, coming into the area. The children who stayed all obeyed immediately, but kept a weary eye on him. “Azazel, what are you doing here?”

“Your sister sent me to talk to the boy,” Azazel grumbled.

“I don't think he'll want to join the Brotherhood,” Xavier countered.

“I'm supposed to give him the talk,” Azazel answered. “You know, father to son.” This statement was met with blank stares and complete silence. “It wasn't my idea, but Mystique can be very persuasive.”

“Yes, I know,” the professor sighed. “Still, _the talk_? Isn't he a little old for that?”

Azazel threw up his hands in frustration. “That's what I said, but she seems to think he's too naïve. And if I come back and he gets some disease or pregnant, she'll have my tail. That woman's a menace,” he complained loudly.

Xavier nodded knowingly. “Better you than me. I'll call him down and you two can talk in my office.”

***

“Ach! Get back Satan,” Kurt shouted as soon as he teleported in and then made the sign of the cross and started muttering Latin prayers.

“You're Catholic?” Azazel asked bewildered. “I thought you were raised in a circus?”

***

After Xavier came back in briefly to calm him down, Kurt had finally stopped praying and was reluctantly perched on the edge of a couch as far away from Azazel as he could get.

Azazel kept trying to start talking to the boy about _that_ , but he couldn't quite find the right words.

“You see, when a man loves a woman...not that's not right”

“When a person loves another person...no that's not it either.”

“When a person is attracted to another person, sometimes they get special feelings...in their private parts.”

Kurt stared at Azazel like he had just murdered a puppy in front of him. Azazel frantically wished not to be there, or not to be sober at least.

“There's a bottle of scotch in the left desk drawer on the bottom,” Xavier projected from whatever safe haven he'd taken up not to be there. “You may have it all.”

***

“People really do that?” Kurt asked, astonished.

“Oh, your mother loves to do that,” Azazel slurred and then took another swig out of the bottle. “She starts making these little chirping sounds like a squirrel.”

Kurt went back to looking at Azazel like he'd broken every damn Commandment Charlton Heston ever brought down that damned mountain. Movies were kind of the extent of Azazel's knowledge on religion - well that and mobs with pitchforks.

“Forget I said that last part,” Azazel quickly added.

“I'd like to forget it all,” Kurt replied mournfully and Azazel nodded. He looked at the boy and for the first time saw a bit of himself in him besides the teleporting and the tail. Azazel passed the scotch to him and Kurt gingerly took a sip before choking violently and then giving back the alcohol.

***

“How do you tell if you're pregnant?” Kurt asked. “Have you ever been pregnant?”

“I was pregnant with you,” Azazel answered.

Kurt scrunched up his face. “But I thought you said Mystique was my mother and you're my father.”

“Well yes,” Azazel said. “She was shape-shifted at the time.”

Kurt just blinked back at him like he was trying really hard not to picture it.

“Anyway, you'll get pretty much all the same symptoms as human women: nausea, cravings, swollen feet. Oh, and you're tail will itch like crazy.”

Kurt abruptly stood up. “Just under the tip and it doesn't go away no matter what you do?”

Azazel nodded. “How did you know?”

***

“Well, how did it go?” Mystique asked, curled up on the couch and reading a trashy romance novel while Sabertooth sat in the leather club chair sharpening his claws.

“I thought you were impersonating a general,” Azazel accused.

“I lied.”

Victor snorted. “What she have you do?”

“Give our son the sex talk,” Azazel answered. Victor laughed loudly.

“See, you can say _sex_ ,” Mystique said condescendingly.

“I'm drunk and anyway it didn't work,” Azazel said flatly. “I was too late.”

Mystique put the book down and looked at him accusingly. “What happened?”

“Victor's brother already knocked him up.”

“Jimmy?” Victor sputtered. “Knocked up your spawn?”

Mystique changed her focus from Azazel to Victor. “You practically raised Logan, didn't you? Why didn't you tell him about birth control?”

“We were born before the Civil War,” Victor protested. “There was no birth control back then and it wasn't something people talked about.”

Her eyes narrowed. “Well, it's never too late for you to teach him something new.”

Victor made a sound Azazel associated with cute furry animals and confused cartoon characters. “What are you talking about?” he asked, before his eyes lit up like a light bulb had gone off over his head. “Jimmy's a bit old for the talk.”

“He might be old, but apparently he still doesn't know what a condom is,” Mystique argued.

“But he doesn't even remember I'm his older brother,” Victor whined. “I don't think he's going to appreciate me showing up and...”

***

When Azazel teleported Sabertooth into the school foyer, the children once again screamed and some of them ran, but the rest didn't attack right away. Azazel took that as an improvement. “I'll be back around midnight,” he told him and then left as fast as he could. There was no way in hell Azazel was going to sit through that twice.


End file.
